The Trouble with Alice
by Foosemittee
Summary: ...a non-twilight fan's take on the popular  for some unknown reason  series. I didn't make this just to rip the characters; this is an actual fanfiction. Just though i'd start small, you know? I'm saving all my awesome for the ending...just you wait...
1. Prologue

Bella sat on the couch, staring out the glass window. She sighed.

"Bored?" a musical voice asked. Confused, Bella turned and looked to see not Edward, but Jasper standing in the middle of the room.

"No…" she muttered a reply.

"Well there's someone here, so whether you're bored or not, you won't be soon." Jasper turned and vanished into the house.

"_So_ annoying," Bella grumped, blinking her butterscotch yellow eyes. She'd been a vampire for a year now, and was tired of Jasper's habit of randomly walking in and out of rooms.

"Bella! Something exciting is about to happen!" Alice called out.

"Yay me," Bella grumbled. "how wonderful."

…

When Bella walked into the room, the Cullen family was standing calmly around a new arrival, a petite vampire girl with long red hair and bright red eyes.

"I suppose someone's going to try to kill me," Bella muttered, rolling her eyes. "That's the only time we ever see redheads."

"Hey," the girl growled. "It's not all about you, okay? I don't know who the hell you are, but if you're not in charge, I don't want to hear you speak." Edward glared at the girl. Jasper and Alice watched her calmly.

"I like this girl," Rosalee giggled. Bella frowned in the blonde girl's general direction while the girl started talking to Carlisle.

"My coven is in trouble," she muttered, as if she was embarrassed to be asking for help. As the redhead continued to speak only to Carlisle, Bella walked over to Edward.

_What's her deal?_ Bella asked her husband with her mind, using her newfound powers.

"Her name is Chess," Edward replied in a whisper so the girl wouldn't hear him. "And I can't read her mind." He looked fascinated.

"Hey there," Bella growled. "Don't go and cheat on me, mister."

"Wouldn't dream of it," he said quietly. Bella smiled.

"Good." Bella looked over at Jasper and saw that he was gaping at Chess in obvious shock. Alice stood in the corner being a spaz, oblivious to his gaze of admiration. After a few seconds, Jasper walked up to Edward and spoke to him quietly.

"She's planning something," Jasper muttered. "Something big." The two guys looked at each other, worried. Alice had been having very few visions lately, and they weren't sure if they were safe from attack.

Suddenly, Chess whirled around to face them.

"You!" Her bright red eyes focused on Jasper. "I know you."


	2. Ideas

_Bella looked over at Jasper and saw that he was gaping at Chess in obvious shock. Alice stood in the corner being a spaz, oblivious to his gaze of admiration. After a few seconds, Jasper walked up to Edward and spoke to him quietly._

_ "She's planning something," Jasper muttered. "Something big." The two guys looked at each other, worried. Alice had been having very few visions lately, and they weren't sure if they were safe from attack._

_ Suddenly, Chess whirled around to face them. _

_ "You!" Her bright red eyes focused on Jasper. "I know you." _

Jasper gave her a pointed look.

"Um...no, you don't," he replied patiently. "I've never seen you before in my life." Chess shook her head and stepped towards him eagerly.

"I don't personally _know_ you," she explained. "But I know who you _are_. As a person. Jasper just stared at her.

"She's just confused," Edward said quietly, trying to comfort the rest of the family. They were all obviously weirded out. Chess aimed a glare Edward's way.

"Don't go guessing what I'm thinking," she growled. "I know perfectly well you can't read me. None of you can." Alice looked up in surprise.

"_That's_ why I haven't had any visions lately," she said excitedly. "I couldn't see you!"

"I know that." Chess turned away from Alice sharply, as if the sight of her was disturbing. "I need to speak to that one," she said decisively, looking towards Jasper. He frowned.

"Something's up," Bella muttered quietly to Edward when the two of them had left. "Can you spy on Jasper's thoughts?" Edward focused for a second, but then shook his head.

"Whatever shields she has up shield both of them from my powers," he replied quietly. "Let's just hope this isn't some sort of trap."

…

"Who are you, and more importantly, what do you want?" Jasper asked bluntly, as soon as they had run a good ways into the forest. She paused, then started speaking quietly.

"You're the one. The one with all the 'murderous urges' they think about." Jasper looked stricken.

"They…what?" He looked a little bit insulted. "Who calls me that?"

"All of them," Chess sighed in reply. "Even the short one you're so enamored of." Jasper shook his head, doubtful.

"I've known you for all of five minutes, and you've given me no reason to trust you," he growled.

"True." Chess grinned wickedly. "After all, I _do_ plan to kill all of your loved ones, slowly and painfully." The blonde vampire paused for a second, then, growling, grabbed her throat in a strangling grasp.

"You must be ten different kinds of crazy, thinking you could tell me that," he hissed. "I'd be an idiot not to kill you before you get the opportunity. What's all this talk about your coven needing help? You work for the Volturi, don't you?" He accused, shoving her back against a thick cedar tree. She just smiled. Realizing that she couldn't speak unless he let her breathe, he loosened his hold.

"I don't have a coven," she coughed, still smiling like a crazy person. "Don't work for the Volturi, either."

"Then what do you have against my coven?" Jasper inquired, severely confused. Chess laughed.

"Nothing," she replied, her voice a little hoarse. "I just want something they have." Jasper looked at her curiously. Before he could ask, she finished. "You."

"…what?" Jasper asked, more quietly this time, looking almost subdued.

"I _want_ you," she murmured, pushing off from the tree and getting closer to him. "I know you have the same thoughts I do…the need to hunt…to kill. Not just humans, but our kind as well. _Them_. Even disregarding the fact that you're gorgeous, it's a winning combination."

"You're fucking insane," he replied frankly, shoving her away from him and starting to walk away in long, slow strides. She caught up to him easily.

"You _do_ want to kill them. You know you do. It's why you hardly talk; you're worried that one day something might slip out…that they'll find out just how much you hate it all." She smiled in a smug sort of way. "Especially her." Jasper whirled around, eyes blazing.

"I _love_ Alice," he snarled. Chess sneered.

"Don't make me laugh. She's incapable of adult thought. You're like a big, fluffy teddy bear to her. You're not even her friend, let alone her lover. You're her _pet_." That was when he attacked her.


	3. The End

"_I love Alice," he snarled. Chess sneered._

_ "Don't make me laugh. She's incapable of adult thought. You're like a big, fluffy teddy bear to her. You're not even her friend, let alone her lover. You're her pet." That was when he attacked her._

…

Jasper returned to the Cullen house alone, much more disheveled than usual. Grumbling to himself, he tried to stomp up the stairs, but Carlisle stopped him.

"What just happened?" he inquired, looking out the open door, where he could see Chess making her way towards the house.

"I don't want to talk about it," Jasper replied quietly, glaring. At that moment, a rather out-of-breath Chess appeared in the doorway. She looked up at him eagerly, but he frowned and looked back at Carlisle. "She is a liability," he said quietly, speaking only so that Carlisle could hear. "We shouldn't let her stay."

"Are you saying you don't like her because…she's…weak?" Carlisle looked surprised. Jasper turned wordlessly and abandoned him to stand alone on the staircase.

Later, he and Chess fled into the night, leaving a trail of violence and death in their wake. Both the wolf pack and the Cullen family had been murdered in a spirit of passion and cold blood. This is fitting, because according to certain soccer moms in Utah or wherever, vampires are living ice sculptures who (in the movie) desperately need a shave and/or a shower. Shortly after the horrific murders, Bela Lugosi rose from his untimely grave to stalk the night. Seeing Chess and Jasper as they ran across the countryside, he reached out and crushed them with massive blows to the head. He delivered said blows with his Magic Spectral Third Fist of Awesome Ghostly Bela-Power. Then he and Bram Stoker dined upon the crispy, frozen bodies of those unfortunate individuals who used to be the main characters in this Twilight-slamming fanfic.

_LONG LIVE THE ACTUAL GOOD VAMPIRE FICTION!_

With credit where credit is due to:

Charlaine Harris, _Dead After Dark, etc._ – my deepest apologies for fan-writing a story about a novel that stole almost its entire plot from you. You should sue, you really should.

Bram Stoker, _Dracula_ – Di Mi, what gross injustice towards you, oh king of vampire fiction. I sincerely believe that you have been turning in your grave.

Me, _Novels that Remain Unpublished_ – I know it's selfish to give myself credit, but I truly have been writing stories about a vampire named Jasper since I was seven. I believe there is a conspiracy going on.

Anne Rice, _Interview With a Vampire_, _Queen of the Damned, etc._ – I know, Anne. You wrote dark vampire romance bloodlust stories of doom and despair because of the death of your child, and Stephanie Meyer basically just spat on her tiny grave. Why, Stephanie?

Annette Curtis Klause, _The Silver Kiss_ – Whether or not it was written after Twilight, it deserves recognition for being SO MUCH BETTER.Is there awkward Mormon sex? No. Is there gross bloody birth of mutants? No. Is there a sad, dark, romantic, relevant vampire love story? HELL YES.

**Note: **

**If you were offended in any way by what I've written, you suck. Just kidding. Actually not really. **

**If you were offended by hinted sexual references, I apologize. If you were offended by spelling, grammar, date, or detail errors, I apologize, and please let me know what my errors were so that I may rectify them.**

**Down with Twilight, **

**Long live The Doctor.**

**(**_**again, I apologize, but this would be a terrible story without a 'long live the doctor' in it somewhere.)**_


End file.
